Struggles and JOY

Life is unpredictable, life is hard... Life is worth it!

We have had a rough couple of weeks here

at the Bender home.

For those who read this blog who haven't heard, we lost

another precious and sweet baby. Still early on in the

pregnancy, still hard. We found out on April Fool's Day

that we were expecting another bundle of joy.

Suprised, but thrilled as we were,

I had a feeling it wasn't going to work out.

I don't know why and how, but I just knew.

I went to the doctor to get started on my Progesterone

and to have some blood work done and talked about doing ultrasounds.

~~~~~
The blood work didn't come back like we hoped it would.

It seemed a miscarriage was coming.

I cried, I worried, I prayed.

Brady, my little tender heart, climbed up into my lap often

and rubbed the tears from my eyes, saying "It's okay Mommy!", I cried

harder and hugged him closer.

~~~~~

Many lab results and ultrasounds showed slow growth

in the baby and there was no heartbeat to be seen.

We had a little hope towards the end...

A slow heartbeat. A very slow heartbeat.

The doctor was not optomistic, he told us not to get our hopes up.

How could we not? We prayed that this little one would make it.

The next ultrasound showed the heartbeat slowed down even more.

The doctor didn't want to preform surgery to remove anything

until the heart stopped. A week later, it happened.

~~~~~

After the few weeks of not knowing

how it was going to turn out, we were relieved

to know what was going to happen next.

To be able to move on. Surgery was scheduled and my mom

came down to take care of our boys (thanks Mom! I love you!).

Everything went well and I am feeling great.

~~~~~

There are times when my emotions take over,

I think of all the little things I'm going to miss out on with pregnancy.

The first flutter of movement, learning the gender, the anticipation of delivery,

and most of all: cuddling that tiny baby straight from above.

Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting more

when others can't have any.

And I feel bad for them. I want to cry for them.

I have known their feelings.

I want to be happy (and I am) for my boys.

It may take a little more time, I may still have some of "those days".

~~~~~

But then I remind myself:

This is my JOY!

This is what I get for ETERNITY!

How blessed am I? I will be forever grateful for these two babies.

If I never get to have another, my life will still be remarkable.

If we are able to have more... my JOY will be staggering!

~~~~~

How grateful I am for the Plan of Salvation!

And how happy I am for those who are currently expecting. Congratulations!